Thursday, 3 December 2009

on the art of navel gazing

I have been neglecting my poor little blog
(and any readers I might have)
and I'm sorry.
Forgive me?

The problem is that with all the things buzzing round in my head
(like a thousand angry bees)
I just can't seem to focus on anything at all.

Time after time I find myself staring in to space,
slumped at the kitchen table or in my bed.
Often I can't even be bothered to turn the telly on...

This usually happens to me when I get stressed like this.
Stress is a double edged sword with me...
I find it very difficult to pull my finger out and get down to
business unless there's some sort of deadline looming.
I've always been like this, when I was finishing my last year of school
(I guess you'd call it college?)
there was this funny little quirk which meant the final grades were set
but they could still be changed for 2/3 days
(I forget which)
and I spent those days finishing assignments/papers/essays
for several courses so I could be graded in them.
(In Sweden there is a grade which is basically "no grade"
meaning you haven't done enough for your teachers to be able to grade you.
It's a grade below Fail..)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to be under some sort
pressure to get something done.
But sometimes I leave things too late and it becomes
(what feels like) an insurmountable obstacle.
There's just too much to do.
And I can't see how I'll ever get it done.
So I shut down.
Ignore it and hope it'll go away.
Of course it never does.
(except for once but that's a whole other story)
This is where the snowball effect comes into play.
The more I bury my head in the sand the worse it gets.
The worse it gets the more I bury...
Well you get the point.
It also spills over into other parts of my life.
Everything becomes the most difficult thing in the world.
Making a cup of tea feels like climbing mount Everest
and I sink deeper into the sofa, sigh and continue staring into space.

What does this have to do with the blog? I hear you ask.
Several time over the last week or so I have had great ideas of things to blog about.
I've had drafts of blog posts half written in my head.
And then in the evening when I'm slumped in bed,
trying to summon the strength to turn the telly on I think:
I should blog. I had that great idea...
And then I sigh and continue to stare into space.

Everything feels like a huge task right now...
Last night I stayed up for ages watching Miami Ink on Big Dave
(my beloved laptop)
because I couldn't be bothered to go to bed.
You see it would involve brushing my teeth, getting changed etc...
To much effort.

Interestingly enough (well, for me anyways)
this has now turned into a long, rambling post...
Go, figure huh!

Now, onto other things I've neglected.

sab x

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